I choose Love

I wrote a blog earlier which didn’t save and all the work went down the drain…!  Oh well, so I’ll blog about a very recurring theme in other blogs I read, tweets, quotes that get reblogged and tweeted and retweeted.  It is a theme that is revisited time and time again….I’m talking about:

photo via The Situationist

My friends and I never cease to talk about it.  Josh and I talk about it too…

It’s not an easy topic, is it?  People are obsessed with it, afraid of it, have been hurt by it but seek it so tenaciously it’s almost one’s life mission to have it, hold it, possess it, trap it and keep it.

People spend lots of time trying define it as well.  What is love?  How do you know it’s love? Why do we need love?  Why doesn’t that person not love me?  Why DO they love me?  How can I tell that he/she loves me?

We ask so many questions but the answers are always deeper than what the question is asking. 

photo via Keturah Weathers

I’ve loved many in my life because I didn’t know there was a limit.  Did it hurt to lose them too? Very much so.  I cried many a tear over a boy, I think I expected that (read too many romance novels), but the pain I felt in my heart, I never knew anyone could feel like that.  Pain after a heartbreak is like being choked by an invisible hand, punched in the gut by a phantom, no physical person is actually abusing you, but your heart bleeds and hurts anyway.  It’s awful…I wrote and filled many journals because of it!

photo via SivGal

But I fell in love again after I hurt.  đŸ™‚  It’s like when Spring comes after Winter.  It will happen, year after year.  I just put my heart back together again each time, piece by piece, and made sure it was stuck together with Crazy Glue.

photo via Peaceful Mind

I had an “expectation” about love when I was younger.  I expected that by my 30’s I would know love better and would be a pro at it.

My expectations fell flat in accordance to my reality.  I’ve stopped wondering about love, agonizing and wondering what it is, why it is the way it is, or why it hurts when someone doesn’t love you back.  I’m 32 going on 33 and I know who loves me and why he loves and HOW he loves me.  It doesn’t mean I know more about love than I did ten years ago, but I know more about myself.

I know many more things now like how to fight (yes people argue), how to say sorry, how to communicate better, and how to show affection more.  I know how to step back and be mature about situations.  I remember more clearly now that this is the person I decided will be my best friend…it’s goot for me to ask myself “and how do I treat my best girl-friend?”  Yeah…exactly.  Thank you “pre-martial counseling” for making us see the light!

photo via Sexual Health Buzz

Love is about communicating.  It’s true what they say: LISTEN.  Sometimes when your boy is telling you something, you hear what you want to hear, not what he is really saying.  Everything can be misconstrued and people in the relationship end up utterly confused.  Listen. 

What do you do to hear another person’s heartbeat?  You stay very quiet, you lean in very close and put your ear on their chest.  But you have to be really quite and aware of the sounds to hear their heart beat.  Same thing with communicating…stay quiet, lean in close and listen.

photo via Sir Ted Ivy

I think young love is difficult.  The emotions are strung tight-it’s all those hormones.  Plus, you don’t really know yourself, you don’t quite love yourself, don’t quite know how.  You think you know who you are because you’ve lived oooo…18 years long?  But life starts to eat at you when you grow older.  I know, I have journals and journals of my love life since 1991 (not that I had a love life in 1991..lol). 

I spent my time crushing on one boy after the other, never taking time to know who I really was.  I’ve only done that in the past three years and it’s been quite sobering.  Honesty-being able to look in the mirror and see yourself with all your imperfection, vulnerability and fears…that kind of TRUTH, is frightening.

photo via mypositiveresults.com

But it was only when I was honest with myself, to the point of fearing the truth, was I able to say hey, this is me, I think I love me and I want someone to love THIS me, the honest me, the Me not hiding behind anything-the me who is willing to be in a relationship and do the work.

photo via IgNgRez

I waited and I found not only love, the emotion.  But love in a person willing to give it back to me, communicate it with me and share it evenly with me.  It’s a partnership and I feel safe.  I always wanted to feel safe in a love relationship.

The love I dreamed of when I was young was volatile, passionate to the point of painful, consuming, emotional, vocal, vengeful, loud, an exciting chase….cataclysmic with no end in sight, a long roller coaster ride with thrills and spills.  Thing is I had it…one too many times and each time I said, never again.
 

photo via Jaeson

My dream of love now is like this: I’d feel warm, engulfed, protected yet free to roam, always safe in case I fell or stumbled along the way.  It would be like sitting down with a nice cup of hot tea, soothing, filling me with aroma, taste and relaxation.  There would be adventure, lots of discussions on stupid things like the weather and politics and books.  But there would be longevity and a future too like children and later, grandchildren.  We’d grow old together and in my old age he’d see all my truth and love me until there are no more days to do so… 

I don’t know much about love, but I think I know how to give it and I know that I deserve it.  In turn, accepting it for all it’s glory.

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