Love? So hard to find?

I’d like to think I’ve done my fair share of dating.  I am pretty lucky to have found Josh because I had just started toying with the idea of being with someone after having been married to a guy who died way to young, when Josh popped into my life. It was perfect timing.

Now, just because I have dated, been married, widowed and about to be married again and I’m only 32 going on 33, it doesn’t make me an expert on anything at all.  But I often wonder why the people I do know looking for love, is having a hard time finding it. is different and they want different characteristics, traits and qualities in the opposite or same sex (yes, I said it, I do have gay and lesbian friends looking for love too).  After my experiences in dating I knew what I didn’t want in a guy.  I wasn’t so sure though, what I really wanted.  I knew three things about what I wanted in a guy: loyalty, honesty and kindness.  Simple?  Yes…but when you finally think you like a guy, it’s not so simple.  Other factors do come in, for example:

  •  What do you have in common and does it matter?  
  • Are you both looking for something serious that leads to commitment and maybe a family in the future?  
  • What habits of his/hers gets on your nerves and could you really live with it?  
  • How do you both define “being in a relationship”?  What’s the timeline?
  • How honest are you both being to each other?
Falling in love is so easy to do, it’s an emotion, a ride, it comes and goes like the tides.  Staying in a relationship and working things out with communication and patience is harder than falling in love.  
I fully respect a person who doesn’t feel the need to be in a relationship to be happy, but I am honest about myself and I admit I hate being lonely.  I hate it.  Don’t like it.  I like to share my life with someone as long as I have space in the relationship to have enough time for myself.  And it is possible to have that, Josh and I respect each other’s space and alone time.  Everyone needs their Me time!
I know my friends will find the right guy or girl when the time comes.  If it was easy to hook up my single guy friends with my single girl friends and have it be that easy, I’d have done it a long time ago.  But I’ve learned sometimes people have to find their own way to the person they belong with.  It’s not something that should be forced.  It is or it isn’t. There’s also the third formula “It’s complicated” but that’s iffy too, you’re in it or not. 
My best advice to those who are looking for love?
  • BE yourself and KNOW yourself.
  • Then BE honest with yourself about what kind of person you want in your life.  Someone to have wild adventures with?  Someone to curl up on the couch with?  Someone who’s barely there (because sometimes it works for couples)? Or someone who’s there ALL the time?  The guy/girl who wants wild adventures, will WANT wild adventures, that person is not the one who will stay curled up on a couch with you for long…What I’m saying is what you see, is what you get, try not to make them into someone they aren’t.  It will save you the heartache if you are honest up front.
  • Remember there is no formula: opposites attract and are good for each, but people that are alike are awesome together too!  Throw out the rules in your head that society has led you to believe make the perfect couple and find someone YOU like.  I’ve dated high-strung guys thinking I wanted adventure but deep down inside I’m very low-key and with just a touch of adventure  🙂  Josh is very low-key who’s had his adventures in life…so we are both cool with that.  I love how he talks to me about news, issues, etc…most guys I dated in the past didn’t really care about that stuff.  Josh is like my favorite comfort food, makes you feel so good and satisfied deep inside.  It’s what I want after having adventure and mayhem in my past relationships.  
  • Think about your last relationship and why it didn’t work.  BE HONEST.  What did he do wrong and yes, think about what you did wrong and put the two together!  Most times you will see that for sure, it was doomed from the beginning, you just didn’t want to see it or believe it.  Be sure to make the changes in yourself before you try to be in another relationship.  
  • Make sure you note down what you didn’t like about your ex and go a different route, choose a different kind of guy/girl, stop being a magnate to the same kind of guy/girl.  Choose positivity over negativity, choose honesty over lying, choose happiness over anger, choose commitment over cheating, choose someone who will GIVE rather than TAKE, choose someone who will lift you up rather than degrade you.  Choose someone who will stay rather than someone who will leave.  Choose someone who will work at the relationship than give up at the first test. 
Here’s the thing about love and relationships.  Relationships being the key.  You will be disappointed about something in each other.  You will fight and argue-no two people share the same views ALL the time.  It’s only realistic.  You may think of walking away because it is really hard to reveal your true self to someone and hope they don’t laugh at you and run away.  You may get really annoyed with one another and question why you are with that person…
How did Josh and I get through THAT part of the relationship?  Honesty, trust, actively listening to one another, defining what a relationship meant to each of us, communicating until the two of us understood (shouting doesn’t work, quiet down, walk off the anger, but always come back to talk), being mature about the issues and admitting to one another that we can’t imagine being without the other person.  We can imagine growing old, raising kids together and one day being grandparents hopefully! 🙂  It’s a shared vision and we are working our way to making our shared dreams come true.  
It’s an amazing feeling.  I think that’s what love is.   A shared dream, a shared vision.  It takes two people to share love…and that’s what people are looking for…just the chance to share their love with someone.  
Yes, I think love is very hard to find.  If it was easy, it wouldn’t be so special.  I just wish finding it and losing it didn’t come with so many tears and anguish(for us girls especially), but I have faith that if you are looking, it will find you and you will find it.  🙂  Here’s to hope and love!

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