Ibiza and Dreams

David Guetta ft. Sia
“Titanium”
you shout it loud
but i can’t hear a word you say
i’m talking loud not saying much
i’m criticized but all your bull is ricochet
you shoot me down, but i get up
[chorus]
i’m bulletproof nothing to lose
fire away, fire away
ricochet, you take your aim
fire away, fire away
you shoot me down but i won’t fall
i am titanium
you shoot me down but i won’t fall
i am titanium
i am titanium…
[sia]
cut me down
but is you who had further to fall
ghost town, haunted love
raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
i’m talking loud not saying much
[chorus]
i’m bulletproof nothing to lose
fire away, fire away
ricochet, you take your aim
fire away, fire away
you shoot me down but i won’t fall
i am titanium
you shoot me down but i won’t fall
i am titanium
i am titanium…
[sia]
stone-hard, machine gun
firing at the ones who rise
stone-hard, thus bulletproof
[chorus]
you shoot me down but i won’t fall
i am titanium
you shoot me down but i won’t fall
i am titanium
you shoot me down but i won’t fall
i am titanium
you shoot me down but i won’t fall
i am titanium 

So once upon a time in my 20’s, my friend B and I wanted to go to Ibiza to party, party, party in the Mediterranean, you know when Paul Oakenfold was big with the Belearic trance stuff.  We never had the money to do it…I made it to Madrid, Spain and the Canary Islands but not the Balearic Islands.  We’re in our 30’s and still haven’t gone but the dreams have always been there.

photo via IgoUgo



I guess I always wanted to have one last big blow out party (and where else to do than in the Mediterranean) before I settled down and became a “real” adult.  Instead I got married young and went that route instead.

photo by Castaways


Lately and I don’t know why…it’s maybe those long drives home and my mind has to find ways to amuse itself but I keep thinking of my college days and the crazy parties my friends and I went to.  College was one big fat party.  It was always about which party to go to, and in L.A. there is ALWAYS a party to go to.  Of course it was about graduating from college too and building new friendships but I just had so much fun…lots of drama, YES…but so much fun.

I even dreamed about it the other night.  A college buddy of mine was in my dream and I think we were at a party but I had to leave…because we were this age, 33, and we didn’t belong there.  And we were walking…I think it was New York City…and we were talking and she asked me…”what do you think so and so is doing now?”  She was talking about some guy I used to have a crush on and hook-up with at the parties.  And in my dream I was like…wow, that was so long ago, I’m sure he has kids by now.  

It was one of the biggest transitions in my life, leaving Hawaii and going to college in California.  I had no family, my old friends were in Hawaii, I knew no one…watching my mom and sister leave me on campus was like…”holy s%&!, this is real” moment.  I’m alone.  It was scary and exciting at the same time.  I had to make choices…I had to rely on my instincts, I didn’t have a cell phone back then, I couldn’t call family and friends in a second like people do now.  We had no Skype.  My best friend and I had to use PHONE CARDS to call each other, trying talking to your bff for twenty minutes…so we wrote letters a lot and I still have them.  We missed people, FOR REAL…they weren’t as available and attainable as now.  Can you imagine if I had face time back then?  Wow.

I learned to grow up and be responsible but I also learned how to let go and have fun too, at the parties.  It was always an experience to add to my life, not a place to really lose my head…I danced a lot, I drank-but never a lot, I kissed a lot of boys haha, it’s where I learned about guys and girls playing games and learned that what you see isn’t what you always get…my friends and I had so much fun…but we had to deal with real issues too, it wasn’t all fun and games, there was lots of drama.    

But there was always a party.  And there was always a dance floor.  There was always a bottle of something.  And there was always some boy to make you feel pretty or sexy.  And there was always your friends to laugh with when something shocking happened, like sitting on the bathroom floor in a frat house with your friend puking her guts out in the toilet and mister frat boy sitting in the doorway watching us, drunk as hell trying to hit on you….geez….was that really me?  Was I really in that moment?

Life’s handed me many moments…not quite like that, but situations where i’ve thought…REALLY?  Is this REALLY happening to me right now?  And in those moments I’ve wondered…where do I go from here?  All you can do is laugh about it really.

That was almost fifteen years ago…time has flown, time has passed and I am older and wiser…but I think I’ll always be wishing for the one big blow-out party in Ibiza to be crazy with my good friend where no one else knows us and our troubles and where we came from.  We’d dance the night away, stay up until we can watch the sun rise on a beach in Ibiza, listening to trance.  Just to remind myself I was that young once, I was that carefree, before life said, here you go, you’re an adult now, grow the hell up…. 

Josh tells me I’m not old…and I always tell him, I’ve already cremated one husband…I feel like I’m sixty at times.  i feel old.  Sitting on that stinky, dirty bathroom floor in that frat house…I never knew what could really HAPPEN to me.  I really thought my life would be pretty mediocre…I didn’t know and even think I could lose someone like that…the worse thing I thought would happen was that the boy I fall in love with would not be in love with me.  That I wouldn’t have him.  But I had him and he was just ripped from me.  I didn’t expect that…why bring up Bobby…his anniversary is coming in a little over 4 weeks.  

And I’m okay….I really am.  Better than last year.  It gets better every time….but I do think about my life a lot…Bobby will be forever young in my eyes, never growing old, as I grow older.  Oh yeah, my birthday is in 2 weeks too…lots to think about, right?  The big 3-3!  🙂

But life keeps going on….and I’m very blessed to come this far…not even halfway yet…  🙂

“I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose, fire away, fire away….you shoot me down, but i won’t fall, i am titanium”
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