Tomorrow is November 24th, 2011. Thanksgiving day and the four year anniversary of the tragic night Bobby was taken away from us. My amazing husband, Josh, last night was so perceptive to my mood that he said something interesting, he said “it’s a hard week for you and I should be sensitive to that”.
I’m writing this post today since I’ll be very busy tomorrow!
In all honesty I was hoping the day would fly by for me. I’ll be busy cooking a turkey, green bean casserole, stuffing and candied yams. Then I’ll be surrounded by family. I always wish the memory of THAT night to leave me, but four years later, it hasn’t. But I think that’s what trauma does to someone…it lingers. It’s a nightmare that relives itself year after year. I don’t experience it full-blown anymore, I won’t let myself, it’s scary. I can take it in its and pieces and process it easier. I can say that this year I haven’t cried. I almost cried last night when Josh said that to me about it being a hard week, but I didn’t.
All year round I have no trouble thinking of Bobby. I think about him everyday, isn’t that crazy to know that even when I’m 50, I’ll still remember him as a 26 year old…he will remain young in our minds forever. Lucky him! 🙂 He used to tell me he never wanted to get old. He never will.
I live my life the way I do now because Bobby taught me not to sit around moping. He couldn’t stand that. He didn’t believe in wasting a beautiful day crying about being sad. It’s a good lesson. It got me to where I am today, remarried and happy. I will always be grateful for his short presence in my life. He was a great guy.
I’m remarried to a man who let’s me grieve when I need to. He holds me while I’m doing it and how can I ever count my blessings? There have been too many in my life and my cup runneth over each time more is added.
I came out okay, didn’t I? Despite tomorrow and the memories of that night, despite the memory of the long lonely days after Bobby had died, despite losing someone I thought would father my children, despite plans changing very drastically….I came out okay.
Grief is a long dark tunnel and I found a book to get me through it. Something in the book reminded me that as long as I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, I would be okay. I just kept taking one step at a time, towards the light, knowing that I’d get there someday and when I reached that light I could live again.
On a slightly brighter note, it’s my grandpa Filemon’s birthday. He passed away a year before Bobby died. Bobby used to come with me when I went to take care of my grandpa after he had a stroke. Bobby would walk our family dog, Doobie-a crazy pomeranian, up the street to where my grandpa was staying so that he could pet Doobie. It was a genius way to get my grandpa outside to get some sunshine too! Doobie loved it and my grandpa smiled happily when he saw how Doobie missed him. It’s hard not to love a guy who did stuff like that. Bobby was always so thoughtful to everyone he knew.
I have a picture in my guest bedroom of Bobby and my Grandpa. I love that picture.
I wish Josh had a chance to meet my grandpa. He was a big part of my life, so happy birthday grandpa wherever you are in Heaven. I lost two very great men in my life in a span of two years. Add to that I lost two aunts to lung cancer before and after losing these guys. Grief is tough. But I’m SO lucky to have the amazing friends and family I have.
Life goes on after death…it’s hard for the griever to process why the world keeps going when their own world has come to a stand still. But having friends that let you cry and scream and get angry is the best relief. Having family that share happy memories with you is therapeutic. I will always be okay I think…and that I can really smile about. 🙂
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I know I will, despite the pinch in my heart…but I’ll be okay because I’ll be with family and Josh will be holding me. Thanks for reading. All my love to you and yours.