I am pretty amazed at the responses I’m getting from my last blog post. When I was having trouble getting pregnant with my first husband I felt pretty alone.
Now I know, I wasn’t ever alone.
Many acquaintances of mine who are my age or older was going through the same thing, almost at the same time! It’s easy to feel like a failure when everyone else you know pops out babies like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Not so easy for some of us. I wish it was.
It makes me think of someone I met last year, a massage therapist I was going to regularly because the spa was close to my home in Ewa. She was younger than me. I found out later she was only 27. At my 2nd appointment with her she was clearly pregnant! Meaning she was pregnant when I last saw her as well…this time she was about 5 months pregnant. She was so happy and I was happy for her, but really worried that she shouldn’t massage me too hard.
During my massage she told me since she was 18 she’s wanted a baby. Okay…wow, I was partying like a mad-woman in frat houses at UCLA when I was 18. And no I never went to UCLA, I went to a college nearby 😉 HA! But yes, I wanted to fly and be free at 18 and I was. So when she told me that she had been waiting since she was 18 to have a baby…I was really surprised. Another thing that surprised me was the fact that 9 years of her prime child-breaing years brought her no pregnancy, not even a miscarriage. She just couldn’t seem to conceive. Disturbingly enough, she broke up with her first boyfriend because he couldn’t get her pregnant! Amazing! What a reason to dump someone. Thank goodness boy #2 got her pregnant because she said she was losing hope with him also after trying without his knowledge for 2 years to get pregnant by him. Yikes…she really wanted this baby right?
I’ve concluded that there is no magic formula. My sister gave me tips about recognizing when I was fertile, straight talk from her I appreciated and which proved to be really valuable information. I already knew my regular flow schedule and I just made myself hyper aware of when I was ovulating. When I knew it, I told Josh and we proceeded to “try”. 🙂 Did I think it would work?…no, I didn’t. He didn’t either. Another friend told me to keep my legs elevated after sex to help the sperm with gravity. TMI? No joke, I did it…I think my cousin even told us to do that. Okay…yes, I had sex advice coming from EVERYONE…advice I didn’t even want to hear but they offered quite freely. But you know what? I wanted this baby and so we tried it. At work, I was starting to massage a lot of pregnant women too, at least 2-3 a month, and my friend said maybe it was a sign. Yes, I was at the point of looking for signs.
With my first husband I thought eventually we’d get pregnant without charting my ovulation or leaving my legs up for 30 minutes after…just plain ‘ol intercourse. And we were in our twenties…I thought I was fully fertile and in my prime! There was one night in 2007, my last year with Bobby when we were in bed and I said “Babe, guess what’s coming in 2008?”
He got excited and said the 2008 STI Subaru. I looked at him in shock and I said “No, my 30th birthday!” He continued about the car….and hesitantly I said out loud finally, “But I think we should try and have a baby.” He never made it to my 30th birthday and he never got his new Subaru and I never had his baby. We were just on different pages. Bittersweet.
I feel for other women who are having trouble with conceiving. I can see if having a medical problem hindered one’s chances but when there is nothing wrong it can be so frustrating. I’ve known other women, family and friends, who have tried various methods. Sometimes with luck, sometimes with no luck still. It can be really devastating, depressing even.
Last week, I saw a girl I knew in high school and she lives near my mom’s house. She was walking by and I was in my truck. I waved at her and then pointed down at her belly and she came over to my car window and I said, “You’re pregnant?!” She said 6 months pregnant.
I told her I was 3 months and she was happy for me. She knew I had no children with my first husband but she told me she was with her new boyfriend for 4 years and only now they conceived. It took her 4 years. This is her second child but she had a child in high school so her daughter is quite older now. We were both shaking our heads, trying to understand what we can’t ever understand…the mysteries of conception. She even told me her cousin’s story. Her cousin has been with her own boyfriend since high school, they’ve been together for more than 10 years now with no baby. We shook our heads, puzzled but relieved that we got pregnant.
Thank you for reading my story and letting me read yours. I am touched and I send my prayers and love your way.
As someone reminded me today. Even if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t mean the end of the world even though it may feel like it. There are other worlds to explore, either with a child or not. Families are not only forged with blood but time, commitment, LOVE, desire and faith. There are other ways to conceive a family and I’m always open to the options. Just because I have been blessed with this pregnancy may not mean I will be blessed with any more but I’m ready for that possibility. And I’m not going to take this experience for granted.